I just downloaded Pink Floyd's "Is there anybody out there" album. It's the concert version of the The Wall. I also added their "Dark side of the moon" album for good measure. I don't need any drugs to love these albums and especially The Wall. My IPOD is loaded and ready for action. The question is, am I ready for action? The answer, I have no idea but I got 36 hours of time on the trail to figure it out. Between the concert blaring in ear, me pondering the meaning of life and whether or not this race was a good idea I should have it all figured out when it's over.
We left Utah on Saturday and went to Yellowstone for 3 days. With high hopes of seeing a grizzly bear I didn't really work out at all. Bill and I did one 45 minute run around Old Faithful and as a family we hiked and walked a lot. I did all my mini squats and VMO contractions while standing around looking a geysers or sitting in the car. My knee got better and better each day requiring less and less attention. This was a welcomed distraction from the rehab and might just be what the doctor ordered. Given that we were in the car for a number of hours I got to express my lack of confidence in lining up for Teton's. For me I would rather not start if I am not in to finish. I know how my mind operates and if I give myself an out I will take it in the dark moments of a 100M. After 17 100M races I have only bailed once and I didn't like the after effects. During that race my ego and time goals got in the way of a finish and though it was a great learning experience I don't want to repeat it. As I was wallowing in my insecurity, talking about how even if my knee is good to go do I have the fitness to finish it. The circumference of my left quad is 1.25 inches smaller than 4 weeks ago and my right is over .5 inches smaller. I just couldn't resist measuring them because they look so small....where are those jeans I have been dying to fit into to! Anyway, I don't FEEL like I am in good shape but I really have no idea what kind of shape I am in except I am rested! As I babbled on about my lack on mental confidence Alex just couldn't take it anymore and gave me a pep talk or more like a small lecture....funny I heard my own words coming out of his mouth. It is sort of cool in a way....my 12 year old has more confidence I will finish than I. But, it's also sort of sad that I so quickly lost my confidence and mental toughness...such a fleeting mist.....:). For that reason I am writing this entry because I need to be held accountable to finish this race. I can't let my ego, pride, pain, sadness, anger or anything get in the way of a FINISH! They give us 36 hours to tackle this course and that is plenty of time...I can limp if need to but I won't. I refuse to let my son see me give in or quite because I can't reach a time goal or I get bored with walking.
Almost every other day I have gotten a text message from Kris saying something meaningful about me and what I can do and have done in all aspects of my life. Stacey (my pacer for this race) has emailed, called and questioned my plan. Trisha and Susan have been checking in on me regularly hoping for the best. Micheal and his family supported my rehab and said nothing but good stuff for the whole week they visited. Beast is here on his 70th birthday tackling the 50M race and dragging my family up another mountain. Tom and Annie are coming to hang out with us and watch us run the race annnnnd.....he told me not to leg an egg. :) Soooo, besides the fact that my family expects me to finish my friends also expect me to finish. I am sucker for expectations so that gives me another reason to see it through.
Now that I have convinced myself I MUST FINISH and I know all of you who read this will hold me accountable to my words here.....I HAVE to finish. Today I ran 45 minutes and it was almost completely normal. A couple of 30 minute runs left and it's show time! BTW - The air is thin up here but it is beautiful!