Emerging!

I might just be emerging from post traumatic DNF syndrome. This has taken it's toll on me. I thought about whether or not to share this or whether or not to be honest. Since I have tried to keep it real here I guess this post should be no different. It's somewhat embarrassing to admit how I have felt the past couple of weeks. Post Bighorn I was so incredibly sick that all I got to do was lay around and be in my own head. That's not a good space after something like Bighorn. Though it's just another day I felt serious anger and sadness over the whole ordeal. Possibly due to fact that I couldn't do my normal behavior which is to march forward with new resolve because I was sick played a roll. I am not sure but one thing is for sure. I was down and out.

I was literally lost for motivation. Parts of me wanted to crawl in my bed and forget physical movement. All the while some part of me was getting really frustrated with that lazy part. The battle ensued for days. The mood changed from hour to hour. I was getting so baffled at which path I was going to take. I felt like my body was slamming into one wall then another. Feeling tired is normal after being sick and disappointed. Generally the waiting game is the only way to approach the situation. Just continue to march forward and eventually the blah feeling will diminish. You will get distracted and life will go on. You will emerge and the drive and motivation will be restored. However, it wasn't working for me. I found myself not acting anything like myself. That is disturbing! I know myself really well and I know how to move forward into the storm of pain both mental and physical, take the shots and come out of it stronger and more motivated. Not this time. I was beginning to wonder if I had a serious problem. Wondering if I was taking this DNF way to far? Wondering if I was using it as an excuse? Wondering if I will ever want to train again? Wondering if I will never WANT to train again then what? The biggest problem of all was the lack of control over my emotions and how to change my mind so to speak. The talks I had with myself about the endless pity party was getting mean. I simply could not shake this emotional low.

Then a moment of clarity came. I am sitting at the gym eating my lunch when a friend comes by sits down and asks me about Bighorn. I give the short version but when I said I didn't finish my face looked over and I lost it. It was the first time in the last three weeks that anyone said it's okay to be sad and disappointed. As a fellow endurance athlete it was as if he knew exactly the feeling of failure. Until then It's been chin up Ronda. Trying to be strong and muster it up and not let it bother me. It just running ya know. It's just a race. Get over it. Showing weakness is not a strong suit for me and I have barely shed a tear over of this but at that moment I busted out with full on sobs. Sad but true. Three weeks later the feeling of disappointment took on it's own life and I had no control but to just sit there and bawl like a baby to someone I barely know. The best part about it was the incredible release of pent up sadness gushed out. All my thoughts of sadness came spilling out and maybe that was the most freeing. The other part was feeling understood and not judged for being so sad. Not being told it's just a race or there will be other days. I think not acknowledging what a DNF at Bighorn meant was a mistake. I put a lot time and energy into this race and should have allowed myself to be sad and disappointed. Instead I tried to do my normal thing. Just move on and do better. That is exactly what I need to do but I was stuck! No one really cares about such things. In the big scheme of life they are nothing but for three weeks it's been something. I finally think I might be emerging and after my emotional outburst I went running and my IPOD cued up Ryan Stars, "It's a brand new day". I smiled as the chorus sung"

Dream

Send me a sign

Turn back the clock

Give me some time

I need to break out

And make a new name

Let's open our eyes

To the brand new day

It's a brand new day